I have must have gone through a hundred or more posts before this blog kind of died.
I find myself writing down this hour where my senses seem to have suddenly found life filled to the brim. Who am I to deny myself when the call to write is just deafening. When the call is loud you have no choice but to respond to it.
Someone once told me that life is like driving the car; you look at the past, as you would a rearview mirror. Take quick glances to guide you with your next move, but not too long so that you will not crash yourself while speeding forward.
I would liken today as that day where there are no cars in the highway and it is just me and the long road ahead. Just today.
So far I cannot say I am at my best these days. Lost is the perfect word to describe my current state, and the effects are showing quite gradually. Proud is the last thing I can say about myself for now. Truth be told I had so much laid out in my goals and objectives. I told myself that before I turn 24 I will do something big, something the world will know! Something, I hoped, my parents will be proud of…
Now the hour came and I look, it was not all as I expected it to be. So much expectations have been set, towering my entire being, and just by a gust of wind the tower collapses, immersing the contents in the depth of disappointment. I feel that I have failed my family, my friends, my colleagues, my partners, my mentors, and my God. Most of all, I feel that I have failed myself.
It’s such an irony how I despise numbers and how they limit the unlimited nature of things, yet it is my fear of my lack of accomplishment before I complete the first quarter of a century of my life, that somehow chokes me into submission.
I then remember that omission is often greater an impact of an action, than a direct action itself.
Who am I for I have done nothing?
Strange it may seem how I begin something so precious to me (my blog) with an infliction of hurts and remorse against myself. But please do not let it fool you. These writings, reflections, and recapitulation of my downfalls and despairs is not in an intent to destroy my very being, but it is to humble me.
This is but a reminder of my limitations of my human nature, and now more than ever, a call to my preternatural connection to a far greater power than I!
I feel that we have a mortal shell, with an immortal shell. I believe that we have limited comprehensions and perceptions in an unlimited universe. There is just so much to live for! There is so much to know, to learn, to share, and to love!
And thus I come to this point that I have realised. I am to change. This change will hopefully lead to a more altruistic me. Hopefully this new conviction to better my life will be geared towards service to others, love for all that is living, and a faith renewed to a flame that lives on till I depart from this temporary shell.
I won’t promise that I will be a totally new person tomorrow. I don’t know how long this change will be. I just know that a sense of determination and renewed recognition of my Divine Filiation, will help take steps, no matter how difficult, to being a better Johnn.
Of course, since this change and promise is in line with my blog:
I promise to blog not just for myself, but so that I may share a part of myself to the world, and that I may be part of the good change in the world.
I promise to open my heart to forgiveness and that my blog will focus on compassion and understanding rather than hatred and contempt.
I promise to do my best not to have watermarks for the photos of this blog.
And lastly, though my heart screams indignation and refusal, I promise, to at least try, to love more.
Well, I guess that’s it. I’ve said my piece, the birds have serenaded the grand plan, and I have made my vows.
Johnn, welcome to a new chance in life.
Let’s get born again.
Happy birthday Johnn.. Now live!